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Lets start from the very beginning...

Ever since I was a young girl, I always wanted to be a mum. A young mum. That was my purpose in life, and still is. So in 2018 Jake (my now husband, fiancé at the time), decided we wanted children, and soon. But with our wedding coming up within the year the last thing I wanted was to be pregnant in my wedding photos.

So we had many conversations about whether we delay the wedding and have a baby first, but something we find very important to us is that our children’s birth certificates all have the same last name, (not that there is anything bad about different last names, there's three different names in my family and that's before I changed mine) just our first idea of family solidarity. Or do we bring the wedding forward and risk not be able to afford our dream wedding. So many words were exchanged and debated, all revolving around this one huge hole in our life. A child.

So we made the decision to enjoy being us and have our dream wedding as planned, wait on having a baby and let it happen as it pleases after the wedding. All our wishes had become best laid plans, an order of family, a serving of love and a huge cup of impatience on the side!

Impatiently waiting for our wedding day, and impatient, dreaming about what our little mini human would look like. I wasn’t even pregnant yet, little did I know though... I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IMPATIENCE WAS! Let me tell you 40 weeks feels like a lifetime…. And I didn’t even make it to 40 weeks; I didn’t even make full term. So February 1st 2019 rolled around and it was our wedding day. The best day of my life. With my only thoughts being my husband, no babies, and no nothing. Fully immersed in the idea of my now husband. I couldn’t have thought of anything better (future blog?) Home from our honeymoon in Hawaii and a decision had to be made. The big decision, exciting, but also scary decision had arrived.

We want a baby.

A month goes past and so does my period, rolling in to the second month being April and typical me, is super cranky.

“It takes people months, even years to get pregnant!”

“There is only a few days each month that you’re fertile! The chances of it happening are basically non existent!” The more I talked about the fact that the more I stress about it, the harder it is going to be, only made me stress more I’ll have you know! Stressing about the fact that I was stressing, because we wanted a baby and we wanted to be young parents but I was stressed that it would take so long to get pregnant and then it still took another 10 months to grow our baby and now by this point, in my head - I’m 40 years old and still trying for my first baby. So now while I’m stressed about stressing and delaying it all more, the real stress hits…. “What if I can’t carry a baby? What if my body rejects it? What if my body wont allow it? What if my body can’t cope? After all I have a chronic disease. What if my medications hurt the baby?” and there I was, in tears thinking this wont be possible. After all in Australia, up to one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. 103,000 Australian families are impacted each year, and with a chronic disease on top of it all? Good luck to us is all I could think, bringing on more feelings of devastation. So, I have mixed connective tissue disease and without medication I’m in a huge amount of pain, lets be real, even with medication I’m usually in pain. But I did what I thought was the unthinkable, and I stopped taking all of my medication. Stressed that it would delay getting pregnant or even hurt the baby if it was in my system. Should I have gone to the doctor and had their opinion and medical advice? YES (always check with your doctor, every person is so different!). But I didn’t, so that’s okay. We’ll come back to that at some point, when it all starts to go wrong, and starts to get complex. I would like to say it should all make sense in a few blogs time.

I still don’t really know the truth or fully understand. Because like most chronic diseases, there isn’t enough research on them, that’s why they’re chronic disease because there is no prevention and no cure. They are complex and confusing, and we add another human inside of a complex, confusing body and it confuses everyone, including the medical professionals. So after no more medication to my absolute surprise, I’m waking up each morning and I’m not in pain. As confused as I am, I don’t care. This is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, with no thought going in to it, as I didn’t think I would be pregnant for at least another 6-12 months of trying, all I could think and say to Jake was “why didn’t I try weaning off and stopping my medications sooner? This is amazing! I’m absolutely fine!” (Which let me tell you, I’m not, I’m typing this now, 1 year on, with sore joints).

So, as deflated as I’m feeling about not being pregnant; but as happy as I am about not being in pain and not taking medication, all day every day, all I could think is, if and when it happens, how will I tell and surprise Jake. So in my head I had planned some big extravagant reveal. Jake was going to be at work and I was going to do a pregnancy test –it would be positive, then I would go out and buy things so when he got home from work he walked in to a surprise. You know? The typical pregnancy reveal to husband type thing. Well… April 22nd 2019 came around, my period was due in 2 days, very much convinced I wasn’t going to be pregnant and thinking the test wouldn’t show anything as I hadn’t even missed my period, but feeling impatient and optimistic, off I went and did a pregnancy test. It’s about 8pm at night; so Jake is well and truly home, probably playing PlayStation or something. Sitting on the toilet, with the stick on the floor, waiting for it to develop – expecting another wasted test. Decided well I may as well do a poo while I wait for this. (TMI? Probably, you want it real and raw? Then here we are.) What a bad decision that poo was, because the test came back POSITIVE! So after all this stressing and feeling deflated, how in the world am I suppose to hold this news in until tomorrow, so Jake can go to work and I can do this fancy reveal? That just isn’t an option. So I yell to Jake and as grumpy as he is, thinking I ran out of toilet paper or something, and having to pause his game. He comes in while I’m still on the toilet and I show him the pregnancy test. I still don’t believe it mind you, thinking in my head that fake readings can happen.

I get up, confused and excited as anything, not fully believing it, Jake goes down to the chemist and buy another few boxes of pregnancy tests, brings them home and I wee on another few. All coming back as positive. So I wee on a digital one and it came up to say “1-2 weeks pregnant”. Beyond excited, excitement we cannot contain.

We don’t know what to do, say or think. “How do we tell the family? When should we tell them? Do we tell them straight away so if anything goes wrong we have support? Or do we wait till 12 weeks once the risk isn’t as high for things to not work out?” the questions start! Now as excited as we are, the nerves set in. Could this actually be real?

Even though we had bought lots of tests and I was well and truly out of wee; we still couldn’t believe it and decided we needed a professional.

The next day, we go to the doctor. Tell them the tests came back positive and we wanted to confirm. We do another test at the doctors and we sit there.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Time seeming to sit still as the 5 minute wait felt like 5 million years, I could have sworn I could have had my second baby by the time this test came back.

Negative.


Beyond confused, as 4 of ours said positive. Stressed would now be an understatement, how could this happen? Pretty unhelpful the trip to the doctor was, assuring us that we aren’t pregnant, and to wait it out.

We didn’t know what to believe anymore, what was happening right now?

We needed a third and final opinion.

So we went to the doctor across the road, and had a blood test done. We wanted an answer, and we wanted it now. But of course we had to wait till the next day for the results. We went home, discussing and confused, excited still but also deflated. The next day, I was due for my period, and it hadn’t come so we were hopeful but with a lot of doubt. We went back to the doctors and the results still hadn’t been sent through (of course, as they usually take 48 hours, but we weren’t prepared to wait that long), so the doctor called the lab and received the results over the phone and had the results faxed through immediately. Waiting in the doctor’s room for the results to be faxed through was one of the most agonising waits as well; you thought the first doctor’s visit was bad? That was nothing compared to an actual blood test with a definitive result here, it felt like an eternity.

But there he had it, the results in his hand.


“Congratulations you are going to be parents, you’re 2 weeks pregnant”.


I hope you enjoyed my ramblings for the first time ever!

See you next time!


- Madds x

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